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'Dating’ in Quarantine | The Men, The Matches and The Mishaps



It is day four of the nationwide lockdown in South Africa and I am wondering one thing. How did I get here so fast? I am at the peak level of thirstiness and your girl desperately seeks a tall and handsome glass of water. Perhaps this is because I live with a couple? Perhaps because I am newly single as of December 2019, from a 5-year relationship? But no, let me be honest here.

I am desperate.
I am lonely.
And I've downloaded Tinder.

What's the worst that could happen? Profile pictures selected, witty bio written...I'm ready. The pleasure and power that I feel from judging men on their appearance and then having the option to swipe left or right is indescribable. The tables of objectifying have turned. My checklist for potential lovers include no shirtless pictures (not too strict with this one, if it's hot - it's hot!), pet pictures are a HUGE plus and humorous bios win over sexually explicit ones. Lastly, he needs to not look like a complete asshole - however, I found this easier said than done. As a rule, I never send a message first. Unless, however, I find a man who is incredibly cute and then I might send a cheeky, "you are cute". The first message sets the tone for the conversation and sets my expectations for what may happen after the conversation. I would suggest, to the other Tinder users out there, to start more than just a, "Hey☺" and much less than "You have the hottest little boobs and I'm not being facetious! I have a thing for those who belong to the itty bitty titty committee." (Nick, 22). I'd also suggest to avoid "Hey, yummy girl, I can't wait to taste you." (Sam, 21).

Although I'm sure these men think that these messages are compliments, they definitely come across as slightly objectifying but maybe I'm wrong? Yes, these are indeed real messages that I have received and yes, I cringed as hard as you did. So let's get straight to the point.

The MEN.
Firstly, do not put your Instagram handle in your bio in case you may receive messages like, "But facts be played, I like ya a lot and I wanna treat ya like a queen and worship ya like a goddess if I get the privilege to do so." What a mouthful. I made the mistake of putting my Instagram handle in my Tinder bio and wow, the utter nonsense that I received in my Instagram DMs was incredible. But, more on that another time.

After what I thought was a vigorous screening process of potential matches, this is what I ended up with:
Match 1 - I think the conversation over Instagram consisted mostly of dick pics and sexting, which is fun but does not last longer than a day or two. Plus, the dick pic had me wondering if it was even worth it.
Match 2 - We had a two and a half hour video call. Perhaps he was too much into anal for my liking.
Match 3 - I actually met up with him and went shopping together at the local grocery store, staying two meters apart. Probably won't be checking him out anytime soon.
Match 4 - He FaceTimed me every night for a week. From midnight until 5 o'clock in the morning, he completely fucked up my sleeping patterns but had great taste in music, so at least I have new music added to my playlists.
Match 5 - We made plans for a wine date on a video call which he ditched because we, unfortunately, planned the date the night our President had a national address and announced that our nationwide lockdown (quarantine) would be extended by another two weeks. We rescheduled the date and had a lovely video chat. He also has cute dogs and wants a kitten, so he might just be the one. Or at least until I can hold said kitten.

If you're considering downloading Tinder during this time, I'd say go for it. Quarantine is a strange and depressing time, so why not add a few matches into the mix? I've had the opportunity to meet many great guys and sure, there were a few assholes, but there are assholes everywhere and not just on Tinder. Since Tinder also has a passport feature, and you can change your location, I've spoken to people from different countries: the UK, Thailand, America, the Netherlands and Spain just to name a few. Foreign guys just seem to hit a little different.

Maybe because I'll never have to actually meet them.


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The Cappuccino Girls  


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